a life's history of one ryan michael straits
(and a study of the recurring themes therein)

there are certain things i feel more gifted in that others...i like designing things...such as this xanga site...various websites i've done in the past (and/or are currently working on for six:forty n such)...i enjoy doing that...i also somewhat enjoy doing what i do at work...drawing up parts/products in autocad/etc. and all that...but these aren't things i'm good enough at to be passionate about (obviously i'm good enough at my job to perform that which is required of me...but i mean i'm not so good at it that it's all i ever think about doing)...it's mostly hit or miss...i have to screw around a good while in photoshop before i'll come up with a design i like...and i've also taken some courses at the branch that have developed my skills in this as well...but still it's not something i live to do day in and day out...i would tire of it quickly if i had to do it for a living...

writing on the other hand...i've always been decent at that...i never really enjoyed english all that much in high school...but i always seemed to do very well in it...i can't think of a time i didn't get that cheer-inducing "A" on my report card in english...writing is now something i enjoy doing very much though (reference the length of this entry for example)...for some reason i have a knack for expressing my thoughts well...i've tossed around the idea of trying to write articles for various magazines...one of which being one i frequent quite often, relevant magazine...but i've never done it...i have a few ideas for some good articles that would fit the criteria of the site...it's just matter of finding the time and the motivation (which i'll touch on later) to write something i'm proud enough to send in...i should also consider writing for a magazine that pays per word...at 10 cents a word i would have made over $150 on this entry alone...

so lastly we come to music...and this is where i'll spend the most time...i've always had an inclination towards music...both my parents are excellent singers...my mom especially...she made all three of us kids take piano lessons when we were kids...i plodded through it for my elementary years...it was never something i enjoyed...i liked playing...just hated practicing...but of course with piano...it's nearly impossible to play unless you practice...i gave it up in 8th grade to make my foray into organized school sports...which of course ended in monumental failure...i summed up any remaining pride i have left and picked up a bass guitar and joined a band with two of my best friends from church...i proved to be the wisest decision i have made thus far in my life...our band did fairly well...we played a good many shows...recorded a few tunes...and ended it being very proud of the vast distances we had come throughout the life of the band...both spiritually and musically...we started covering nirvana and foo fighters songs we heard on the radio...and eventually started into writing our own...it was an amazing experience and i miss it dearly...

since then i've been involved in leading worship in various forms...i now am a decent bass player and not too shabby of a guitarist...and have even now made my way into writing some of my own songs...it's been a long road to get to this point...but i finally feel that what i write is now worthy to transcend the pages of my notebook and grace the ears of someone other than my own...

but unfortunately...i'm a consummate perfectionist...i deplore the fact that i am...but when it comes to stuff like writing and putting my thoughts and feelings in a song for everyone to hear i want to make sure everything is stated the best way imaginable...even if it takes me like 20 years to find that perfect way...i'd almost rather wait...it's a curse i tell you...a curse...i have to find the best lyrics and melodies possible before i'd let anyone hear it...and even then i'll shy away from letting them see the light of day...i know it's stupid...but unfortunately, it's the way i am...

i do wish i was a sit-down songwriter...there are guys i know that can just start with an idea...sit down...grab a guitar...and when they get up (several hours later usually)...they have a completed (and most-likely good) song in their hands...i heard that when rivers cuomo gets ready to record an album for weezer he usually has demoed over 30 songs beforehand...i know my friend's chad and matt seem to be that way...they could write a whole album in a day if they purposed themselves to...it's sick i tell you...just sick...

i have been getting better however...i finished a song last month...and just wrapped up another a few nights back...so at this rate i'm writing about a song a month...that's amazingly good for me...i have scattered pieces of songs scribbled everywhere...hundreds of ideas probably...and in my head? who can count that high...i'm chalked full with 'em...teeming with melodies and lyrics...just waiting to be streamed together and assembled into wonderfully crafted phrases and refrains...but somewhere along the line there's a derailing...i just can't seem to ever finish what i start...i'll get a new idea and pursue after it...leaving the last one in my wake...in fact there are numerous songs and ideas scattered behind me...all victims to my wandering creativity...

i sincerely lack dedication...i think that's what i'm missing...dedication and motivation to keep going on something until it's completed...i get inspired all the time...but inspiration isn't all there is to songwriting...or any type of writing for that matter...it's important...but just as important are motivation and dedication to move on that inspiration...to see the idea through to completion...

it's the best feeling at the end...when that final thought is expressed and the idea you had at the beginning writhes and contorts into a finished work...a whole piece of artistry that really in the end is bigger than yourself...taking on a life of it's own...and that's really what i'm striving for...

but i think i've been trying too hard on my own...i think that's my overarching problem in all of my little quasi-endeavors...i'm striving to do all these things that i've been gifted with...but i'm just doing them for my own selfish reasons...to make my own name known...

make your mark...

######Note: This post is from a very old Xanga blog of mine. A very, very old blog. In fact, it’s practically a museum. Be sure not to touch any old references or links. You won’t break them, they are most certainly already broken.